I was reading through my old blog and I realized how much I kinda changed since then. I mean, I feel as though, then, my thoughts were all calm and collected. But now, here, I feel like my thoughts are everywhere. Everything feels like it's in a mess.

#$%^&*()(*&^%$#

i wish i could erase my memory. i don't want to know the truth anymore. lie to me. please. bro isn't picking up his phone. ass fell asleep. i'm gonna try texting daren. sigh sigh sigh sigh sighxzsx. i'm gonna stay up through the night. i'm afraid that if i fall asleep, i won't wake up for amath paper. i studied for that shit.

I'm really happy too you know. For her.

Burning in your eyes.

no wonder you were so protective of her that time. fuck it. i really wanna kill myself to have been so blind not to see. i wanna rant. seriously. ugh. agh. ahhh. gahhh. #$%^&*()*&^%$. I don't need anything to fill in this emptiness inside of me. I'm used to being alone already. I'm used to coming home to a empty family. used to being the odd one out. the one walking at the back of a crowd of people. fucking used to it. in fact. i fucking love that feeling. I'm fucking sick of faking a smile. seriously. fuck it. fuck you. fuck this that everything. fuck my life. i wanna pretend i don't know, but how can i pretend? i'm tired of this game. i want to end it. but how. it isn't as simple as when it is said. really. i'm so so so tired. i want to drop out of school. really. i want to retain or something. or go private school. i just want to run away from everything. really. tired of faking. tired of pretending. i hate how people use me all the time. including those church people. what the heck. church?

she did it on purpose. she always does. i shouldn't have told her anything from the start. what is wrong with me. fuck it. i wish wanting was still awake now. so i can call her and scream. she's the only proper person i can talk to about this. i feel my world crumbling. night study was shit. i went there and got chased out by eugene quake cause i was wearing home clothes. then nevermind, went to library study with C, got chased out at 9 cause they were closing. finally settled down at coffee bean to study, but i couldn't concentrate. Amaths? HELL. my eyes are killing from my contacts. sigh. I miss the feeling where I know someone would care. miss that fucking feeling. anyway, i caught the last train & last bus home. almost missed my bus. i hate this. i really do.

and set this house on fire.

Distasteful.

Heartbroken. Two faced. I would choose to have never known you. I should have chose to not talk to you during june hols. Really. Fuck it. I hate this. I'm too blind to everything obvious. I can't stop crying.